One endeavor that I've recently embarked on is the search for my biological father. I started looking when I was in my early 20s and only half heartedly at that. Now that I am 35 and trying to start my own family, finding him has taken on a new sense of urgency. If he is still alive, he would have turned 70 years old on July 13. The greater fear to me is not rejection (although it rates a very close second) but is that I will hit a literal dead end. I just have this feeling that I'm running out of time.
Danny (my husband) and I have talked about my searching. At first he didn't give it much thought other than maybe I should consider all the consequences of my search. Like the fact that his family might not know about me and how that would affect his relationships with his wife, children, or other family members. I've considered this too and in the past, it had kept searching in earnest at bay for me.
Now that I'm older, this is what I think about it.
Why should I continually deny myself of what is rightfully mine to know just so I won't expose someone's "dirty little secret"? Don't I have the right to know my father and my brothers and sisters and extended family? I think I do. And so do my future children.
For too long I've lived with this missing piece in my heart. Over the years I thought that finding my soulmate would fill that ache. As wonderful as Danny is, it hasn't. I used to think children would do it. Granted, I don't have children yet, but I somehow just know that they won't either.
The reason that no one else will fill that hole for me is because he is half of what makes me whole. My mother alone cannot bridge that gap.
So in my quest to find that missing piece, I'm throwing myself in headfirst into this search. I'm not sure what expectations to have. I'm excited about the prospect and at the same time, terrified beyond belief.
Wish me luck on my journey.
Danny (my husband) and I have talked about my searching. At first he didn't give it much thought other than maybe I should consider all the consequences of my search. Like the fact that his family might not know about me and how that would affect his relationships with his wife, children, or other family members. I've considered this too and in the past, it had kept searching in earnest at bay for me.
Now that I'm older, this is what I think about it.
Why should I continually deny myself of what is rightfully mine to know just so I won't expose someone's "dirty little secret"? Don't I have the right to know my father and my brothers and sisters and extended family? I think I do. And so do my future children.
For too long I've lived with this missing piece in my heart. Over the years I thought that finding my soulmate would fill that ache. As wonderful as Danny is, it hasn't. I used to think children would do it. Granted, I don't have children yet, but I somehow just know that they won't either.
The reason that no one else will fill that hole for me is because he is half of what makes me whole. My mother alone cannot bridge that gap.
So in my quest to find that missing piece, I'm throwing myself in headfirst into this search. I'm not sure what expectations to have. I'm excited about the prospect and at the same time, terrified beyond belief.
Wish me luck on my journey.
Good luck with your search, Jackie. I think you are right that you deserve to find him and meet him at least once, regardless of what kind of life he may be living now.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ricky. Good luck with your search. Love you.
ReplyDeleteGood luck on your search! You have the right to know your dad and if he has other kids, you have the right to know your siblings too! I hope it's going well :D
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