Infertility affects about 15% of the population, so chances are you're off the hook. But if you're one of that lucky minority, most family and friends are at a loss at how to react. We realize everyone means well, but good intentions often aren't perceived that way, especially with such a highly emotional issue. I won't speak for all people facing infertility, as it is hardly an objective experience, but my feelings echo most that I encounter in infertility forums that I frequent.
What not to say: Relax, you're trying too hard
Why: This statement is so incredibly dismissive and one of the most common you hear. Most infertility is caused by bonafide medical reasons, none of which are cured by relaxing. In my case, I had surgery on my pituitary gland twice, which damaged healthy pituitary tissue. I could spend a month on vacation on a secluded island, spending half the day being pampered in a spa... it will not cause spontaneous regeneration of my pituitary gland, thus restoring my fertility. While stress can be a factor, its effects are usually transient and usually not a cause of infertility. Realize that many infertile couples are treated medically and surgically for good reason, not sent on holiday.
What not to say: You're still young, look at (fill-in-the-blank-celebrity). She had twins at 50!
Why: What the gossip rags aren't telling you is that these celebrities are not using their own eggs. Now, that might not make a difference to some, but most people want that genetic link. If a woman desires to use her own eggs and comes to a fertility clinic at age 40+, her chances of conceiving with IVF is only 10%. The rate goes up comparably with that of a younger woman if she uses donor eggs, but that is simply not an option for some. Personally, I have this policy that if it doesn't involve my eggs, my husband's sperm, and my uterus, then it doesn't happen at all for us. Which brings me to...
What not to say: Hire a surrogate or... I'll carry the baby for you!
Why: Again, not an option many will take and even if it is, it's a very complex (and very expensive) situation. There are 2 types of surrogates, traditional and gestational. In traditional surrogacy, the woman is the biological mother of the child. In gestational surrogacy, the woman is not genetically related to the child. Here's a blog about a child born of traditional surrogacy. It will make you think twice about suggesting a surrogate so flippantly. Besides that, most women want to carry their own babies.
What not to say: You can have one of mine!
Why: Not even remotely funny. I want my own thankyouverymuch.
What not to say: It will happen in God's perfect timing
Why: So the baby born to the 13 year old rape victim was? Sometimes, instead of trying to rationalize infertility by invoking a deity's will, just accept it (like we have) for what it is.
What not to say: You'll appreciate your child so much more because it took so long to conceive.
Why: So... we would have abused or neglected our child if it happened on the first try? So that means YOU Fertile Myrtle, take YOUR kids for granted? Doesn't make sense, now does it?
What not to say: I know how you feel, after 3 months of negative pregnancy tests, we were so bummed, but then it just happened!
Why: Yeah... you are so NOT a member of the club. Try at least a year, along with having to lose any modicum of modesty for both men and women, invasive procedures, frequent internal (yes, internal) ultrasounds, frequent blood draws, medications that make you crazy, I could go on ad nauseum. As much as you would like to empathize, even commiserate, unless you have been where we have been, in all the agonizing detail... don't dare to compare. You will lose.
What not to say: You can always just adopt.
Why: There are just so many things wrong with that statement. There is no "just" when it comes to adoption. When it comes to the prospective adoptive parents, it can be very expensive, time consuming and comes with no guarantees. For the adoptees, the ramifications can be astounding for many. Both domestic and international adoption are unfortunately big business, rife with rampant corruption. And adoption from foster care is not for everyone. Those children have been abused and/or neglected and a court has terminated their parents' rights. They deserve more than just to be a quick fix to infertility. Adoption and infertility should not, but often do, go hand in hand. More info here and here.
What not to say: Here, hold the baby!
Why: Some people who struggle with infertility surround themselves with other people's children and take comfort and enjoyment in it. But there are many of them that want nothing to do with babies and will go out of their way to avoid situations involving pregnant women, babies and children. When my sister-in-law gave birth to my nephew in May, going to see her in the hospital was the end of a 3 year hiatus from seeing any relatives' babies. I only went because I had to. It broke my heart to see my husband visibly upset on Father's Day as he saw his brother with his new son, who looks so much like my husband at times. Other people's babies don't always make us feel better or give us hope. It can have quite the opposite effect.
What not to say: It will happen, believe me.
Why: Really Miss Cleo? No one likes false assurance. It may be true that your cousin's husband's sister-in-law's niece's stepsister might have miraculously defied doctors who gave them one in a million odds of ever conceiving, but it's a fact, some people, despite years of treatments will never conceive. It sucks, but it is what it is.
In short, if you know someone struggling with infertility, for the love of God, please take this advice to heart. More than anything, just acknowledge the grief and loss that sometimes comes with infertility and listen. That's all.
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